In which Dubya gives me a heart attack…

Posted on May 20, 2013 by

As a busy weekend winds down, it was kind of an easy night in our house

Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner is out fighting crime.

Dubya works on his homework.

Moo Cow throws a shit fit to avoid her bath, tell me:  I NOT STANK, MOM!  YOU STANK!

And after wrestling Stank Cow into the tub,  I sort out Dubya’s backpack.  It is his responsibility to clean out his backpack, empty his lunchbox, return library books, but every week I spot check his work and make sure he is doing what needs to be done.

The only surprise I have found is a collection of about eight spoons that he wasn’t putting in the sink.   Today, though, I found a happy, sweet surprise.

He made a little booklet that says:

I am Dubya.  I am 7.  I play baseball.  I have a three year old sister.  She is pretty. I love her.  She is awesome.  I will protect her.

Immediately, my momma heart swells with pride.  He and Moo had a rough day.  Lots of fighting, pestering, poking, prodding.  At one point, he had her in tears because he told her I had abandoned her and was never coming back.  This little booklet though, it makes me happy.  HUGE. HAPPY.  MOMMA. MOMENT.

And then I find this:

found 1

 

My proud momma heart is gripped with terror.  What is this filth?  Why is my son coloring this filth?  Have I missed some diabolical warning signs about my son?  I calmly ask, “Dubya, WHY ARE YOU COLORING THE FLAG OF NAZI GERMANY?

I turn the page and find this:

found 2

 

It reads “I don’t know if Hitler is a terrorist.  But I do know that he is a really bad guy.”

His answer was that he was reading about Nazi Germany in a book and was writing out his thoughts.  Once my heart stopped racing, I did recall that he has had a thing for flags lately.  He is constantly drawing flags, making up new and improved flags for the United States, trying to design a flag for the House of McD, etc.

So here is the take-a-way from this:

1.  My kid isn’t the future leader of a Neo Nazi terror cell.

2. If this is what he is thinking about at seven, I am in for some profound conversations with this kid.  

3. He is going to give me heart palpitations.

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In which I discuss ALL THE THINGS…

Posted on May 9, 2013 by

Sometimes life gets kinda hectic around the House of McD and this bloggin’ biz falls by the wayside.  I know you all probably thought that we have just been too involved in our Billy Ray Cyrus c.d., but I assure you, that is NOT the case.  (except maybe there is a little bit of truth to that)

Since I know you have all been anxiously awaiting all that happens around these parts, here is the run-down.  Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner and I attended the beautiful wedding ceremony of some friends.  A good time was had by all.  (except maybe for the fuddy duddies that we offended by our dancing.  and our photo poses. and our random boob grabbing.  and our crotch shots. man, my friends are sluts)

Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner celebrated another birthday.  I gave him his birthday present a few days in advance.  He had requested a back-up weapon to carry to work.  I like the idea of contributing to his safety while he is patrolling the mean streets of our ‘burb, so I bought him a gun.  I really outdid myself on his actual birthday, however.  When he walked into our house after his shift ended, he was greeted by photos of Nicholas Cage wishing him a happy birthday.  Inviting him to ‘get naked’.  Advising him that ‘bears can smell the menstruation’.  I totally jacked the idea off of pinterest, but I made it my own with the filthy captions.   When he made it to work, he was greeted by more photos of Nicholas Cage (slightly less filthy, still inappropriate) and a cake.  He loved it.  (except maybe when he was a little bit afraid that his chief would find the photos and hold him accountable)

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Why marry a cop if you can’t tease him about it?  Oink oink mother fucker.

What else?  Oh yes, a rabid baby squirrel adopted me as his mother.  Kind of weird considering I hate those little rat bastards with a passion.  Except, I developed a very small soft spot for this wee fella that I named Barnaby.  All the other jerk squirrels in our neighborhood were mean to him, his mom abandoned him, and he kept falling out of trees. Anything that defenseless that considers me his mama?  eh, I figure I had to take care of him.  So I corralled him into a box.  Twice.  The first time he was taken a few blocks away.  And he found his way back home.  So I corralled him back into the box and called a friend who took him to a squirrel whisperer.  Barnaby died the next day.  (except maybe I didn’t tell my kids that and now every time Moo sees a squirrel she hollers ‘HI BARBEE”)

And in the midst of all our day to day drama, we received some news that kind of knocked us all on our asses.  Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner’s grandpa is really sick.  Like the kind of sick that one week he was fine and the next week they are diagnosing brain tumors and moving him to hospice.  Grampa Bob is a hell of a man.   Image

Grampa Bob meeting Dubya for the first time…

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Pickin’ and Grinnin’ with Moo Cow…

As Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner said, “I’ve never met anyone else like him.”   We are trying to focus on the celebration of Grampa Bob’s life.  We are grateful for the time we have had to say our good-byes.  We realize that after an long, healthy life this is the next, natural step.  (except maybe we have just kind of tricked ourselves into believing all that, when really, we are just fucking sad and angry and worried)  

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In which I purchased something amazing for one dollar…

Posted on April 18, 2013 by

It is a rainy Thursday here in my homeland. My morning started out with a not-so-happy Dubya asking me if I remembered that time when I forgot to give him his fortune cookie that I promised he could have after he finished his bath.  (Mom fail)

It didn’t get any better when I went to drop Moo off at her babysitter.  That is when I found I was unable to drive down her street due to a very annoying pair of garbage trucks.  Since the morning commute is very carefully timed to ensure I get as much beauty sleep as I require (hint: it is a lot) and still make it work on time, the garbage truck situation was troublesome.  I ended up throwing my car into park, hitting the hazard lights, taking off my shoes and running down the block with Moo slung over my arm like a sack of potatoes.  In the rain.  Dodging the earthworms. I now have little muddy foot prints on my pants.  And after all of that, I was still a minute late to work.  (Employee fail)

But when I was at the local library over my lunch break, donating my beloved VHS copies of ‘Care Bears in Wonderland’ and ‘Care Bears Nutcracker Suite’ so they could be enjoyed by the masses as God intended, I happened to walk by the book sale shelf. And there I was drawn, like a moth to a flame, to the most amazing item ever known to man. For the low, low price of ONE DOLLAR, this amazing thing could be mine.  It was as if a ray of sunshine was shining down on me from above.  It was as if it was meant to be.  Destiny.  Fate. Kismet.  Serendipity.  Whatever it was, I snatched that item off the shelf and ran to the circulation desk.  I threw it on the desk, proudly proclaiming that I was buying that item.

The teenage library worker looked at me as if I had grown a second head, so I had to explain exactly what my plans were.  ”See, my husband, kids and I are going on a roadtrip soon and I thought it would be fun to listen to this THE ENTIRE TIME WE ARE IN THE CAR.”

As she took my dollar, she warned me that I might not make it back home if I follow through with my plans.  But I would not be dissuaded.  This amazing item was to be mine.  It shall bring me a lifetime of merriment and delight, I am sure of it!

But what could bring me such joy?  What could give me sunshine on a cloudy day? (Certainly, not my girl, cuz that girl is a Gloomy Gus)

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That’s right.  Billy Ray Cyrus.  Some Gave All.  THE CD.  FOR ONE DOLLAR.

Suddenly, all seems right in my world.  I just know that my Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner will be just as excited about this purchase as I am.  FOR ONE DOLLAR, we can listen to Where’m I Gonna Live? on repeat for hours!    For ONE MERE DOLLAR,  we can country line dance to Achy Breaky Heart!  And just think of the hours of enjoyment this c.d. will bring on our impending road trip!

And this, my friends, finishes the story of how Billy Ray Cyrus saved the day from utter despair. We thank you sir.

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In which my genius son asks a really dumb question…

Posted on April 9, 2013 by

Dubya is really smart.  Not just in the traditional ‘Oh my goodness my son is so smart!’ type way that every parent feels about their kid.  But legit smart, recognized and labeled by his TAG teacher as being in the top tier of the gifted kids she works with. He’s scheduled to have his IQ and various other things tested this summer through an honors type program at our state university.    

 I tell you this not to brag, but to give you a better understanding of the conversation that follows.

Picture this!  My living room, 20 minutes ago.  Dubya, aged 7, is playing with his army men. He has  army men from various countries and was pitting soldiers from the U.S. of A. and England against soldiers from Germany and Japan.  Because he ‘just wanted to recreate World War II’.  

After a few minutes of awesome sound effects. (BOOM.  BOOM.  pow pow pow.  OW! YOU SHOT ME, YOU DIRTY NAZI),  Dubya brought me a toy American soldier and said, “Oh, mom, this is bad.  He has a collapsed lung.”  

I replied, “That is bad.  Did you know you were born with a collapsed lung?”

And this is where his genius shines, folks.  He asks, in a voice full of concern, “Did I make it?”  

I told him no. 

I’m sure he’ll figure it out at some point.  

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In which I slow clap for America…

Posted on March 26, 2013 by

My Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner and I went on a date on Friday.  We went to see the new Gerard Butler saves the day flick, Olympus Has Fallen.  At the end of the movie, when it became abundantly cleared that Gerad Butler had, in fact, saved the day, I tried to get Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner to applaud.

Me: Psst.  PSST! Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner!  Let’s clap!  Let’s slow clap for America!

Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner: NO. 

Apparently, one of us loves America a little bit more than the other.  

I was distraught, but only momentarily.  I knew, deep in my heart of heart, that I would soon have a chance to slow clap for America. 

And then, as I knew it would, that chance presented itself to me yesterday.

I had both kids in my car and we were discussing the day’s event.  Moo spent the day with Gramma and Papa and when I asked her what they did, she listed all the food she ate.  It was a lot.  Moo Cow eats like a horse.

When I asked Dubya what his day at school was like, I figured he would tell me a little bit about his day.  Maybe what books they are reading in class.  What they learned about in math.  Who he played with on the playground.  Normal first grade stuff. 

I was not prepared for this:

Dubya: Mommy, do you know about the greatest traitor in the history of America? 

Me: Uh, are you talking about Benedict Arnold?

Dubya: YES! He was with the Americans for awhile, then he switched over to the British side.  FOR MONEY.

Me: That’s horrible.

Dubya: HOW COULD HE DO THAT?  I would never betray America.  Not even for money.  I love America.

Me: That’s great, Dubs.

Dubya: I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR AMERICA.  

Suddenly, I was struck by a moment of inspiration.  This was it!  The moment I knew would come!  And I began to slow clap.  SLOW CLAP FOR AMERICA. 

Dubya: Uh, why are you doing that?

Me: I am slow clapping for America!

Dubya: Why?

Me: Fine, I’ll stop.  

So there you have it.  I had my moment to slow clap for America without Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner.  Dubya is apparently headed for the military given his crazy-awesome patriotic streak.  How much better could that day have been?  

 

(Also, we were at a stoplight while I slow clapped.  Don’t drive distracted, even if it is because you love America.  It ain’t safe, yo.)

 

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In which my husband gets some recognition…

Posted on March 22, 2013 by

Maybe you remember when my husband saved a life.  If not, you can read about it here.  

Since then, my Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner has been interviewed by a radio show, on a local morning talk show, been written about in paper a few times.  He also received a commendation from our city council, as well as from a state representative.  

And now, I just watched a US Congressman present him some sort of recognition/certificate.  I bet you are wondering just what Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner looked like as he was presented with this recognition/certificate.  Well, I can show you.  

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He looked exactly like this.   Handsome, huh?

Initially, I wasn’t invited to this ceremony (thanks, Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner), but my dear friend Naughty Nancy told me all about it and informed me that she thought I needed to be there.  As anyone who knows Naughty Nancy will tell you, if Nancy tells you to do something, you do it.  There is no disappointing Nancy.  

In the moments prior to our Congressman’s arrival, Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner and I were back in a quiet hallway, all alone.  While he declined my generous offer of “Hey, wanna make out?”, he did allow me to fuss over him.  I pulled a stray hair off his uniform.  I complimented his hair.  I held his hat while he cut off a dangling thread.  I patted his rump under the pretense of removing lint.  He didn’t come right out and say it,  but I could tell that Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner appreciated me being there. If he had expressed his appreciation it would have went something like this “Oh my dearest smoochie poo, I am so glad you are here with me.  I love you.  Let us never part again.”  

And you know, I was only able to watch while my Hollywood Boyfriend Jeremy Renner was presented with a certificate from our Congressman, after that it was uniforms and mayors and congressmen only in the meeting.    But it is a wonderful and humbling and an ‘I FREAKING KNEW IT’ moment to see someone recognize the amazing qualities in your husband.  Qualities that you have recognized from day one, but maybe you started to take for granted after almost eight years of marriage.  

Here’s the deal, the end all be all, if you will.  I married a damn good man.  And I am so pleased that the world is finally starting to realize his awesomeness.  

‘Bout freaking time.  

 

 

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In which I ask you to answer a question…

Posted on March 14, 2013 by

I just completed an item on my 30 Before 30 Challenge.

Any guesses as to what one it was?

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.here is a hint: it did not involve spelunking.

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I BEAT MOTHER EFFING SUPER MARIO.

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Wha.Bam.

If you are thinking, “Gee, that doesn’t sound all that cool”, I say, “SCREW YOU!”

Because this has taken months and months.  My friend Emily (known also as Em, Mily, EMBLY, and Em-Uh-Lee) and I have been trying to beat this darned game every single time she came to visit me.  Now that she has moved up here, I knew I was going to beat it.  And I did.  Wha.Bam.

Memorable quotes from our Mario Brothers Excursions:

SON OF A (Expletive Deleted).

I do not die! (Followed by an untimely death).

YOU SUCK, MARIO.

I PRESSED JUMP, YOU ASSHOLE.

There was also a lot of dancing, punching, high-fiving, and efforts made to NOT throw the Wii remote.   And lots of gloating when I beat it.

I mean, I didn’t save a life or anything, but I still think my accomplishment is pretty darn nifty.

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