My only living grandma is a real treat. Something of an old bag, if you will. She loves gossip and carries a grudge better than anyone I have ever met. Seriously, she still hates some girl that fouled my cousin in basketball 15 years ago. Usually, grandma’s idea of fun is making sly comments about weight that various relatives have been packing on.
After watching the movie The Sweetest Thing with Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate, my brothers and I seized upon this quote quicker than a zombie on a paralyzed man’s brains : http://youtu.be/8FUWJypVTEM (I know, I KNOW. It is really bad. And yet, I feel no shame. Odd.)
With all that said, let me just say, I was
irritated SUPER excited when I found out that my parents were bringing Gramma and Grampa up to visit for Dubya’s birthday. I was anticipating a long day of criticisms and complaints. And while I did end up getting the criticisms and complaints, I also saw a side of my grandma that shocked the socks off of me.
It all started when we were trying to explain to my grandma how to set up an email account. “You have to pick out the name for the email address, Gramma. Like donnajones or nicholeismyfavoritegrandkid.”
“What about hotgrandma?”
“Uh. okay? Then you have to pick a password.”
“WOW, gramma, okay. ” This is where I start hearing Twilight Zone music. Where is this coming from? What kinda crazy lady are you?
Later on during the course of the day, it was decided that Grampa, Dad, and I would go pick up Subway for the rest of us. Gramma was telling us what she and Grampa wanted on their sandwiches. It is something of a family joke that my Grampa is a complete pansy when it comes to anything remotely spicy. So I jokingly asked if we should get habaneros on Grampa’s sandwich. And Gramma’s response: Oh, your grampa can’t even look at anything hot. That’s why he can’t look at me most days.
SERIOUSLY. WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BATTLE AXE OF A GRAMMA?
Then later, the icing on the proverbial cake. We were discussing Dubya’s birthday presents and what he was going to start saving his money for now that he doesn’t need buy a Nook. He said a computer.
Gramma squawked, “WHAT? You wanna buy HOOTERS?”
And that, my friends, is how I discovered my Gramma is a pervert.