When I am driving, I like to impart my vast array of worldly knowledge upon my children. I give them advice such as “No one talks when the (edited) song Regulators is on” and “We always, ALWAYS tell Mommy that she is pretty”.
Yesterday, I attempted to share some practical, real world advice, “Guys, see this car next to us? They are not being safe. They are stopped on train tracks. NEVER STOP ON TRAIN TRACKS.” I feel like maybe we talk in a lot of shouty caps at our house.
Dubya had the audacity to question me: Why?
Me: Well Dubya, when it is train vs. car, the train will win every time.
Then Moo chimes in: Can we walk in da woad? (This is where everyone needs to stop and wonder exactly what is going on in that messed up little world of hers.)
Me: No, goose. If it is car vs. Moo, the car will win every time.
Dubya: But we all know what happens when it is Mommy vs. tree.
Suddenly, I am stricken. A trickle of cold sweat appears upon my brow. What exactly is happening here? Is he calling me out?
Outwardly, I am calm. I show no weakness as I ask: What do you mean, Dubya?
Dubya: Well there was that time that Em-Uh-Lee left you hanging in a tree to die. FOR HOURS.
Me: Oh well yeah, that was awful. But I am still alive, therefore I win.
Dubya: What about that time you hit that tree in your car??
At this point, I realize that I have lost this game. When your unlicensed seven year old starts pointing out your inability to drive without hitting stationary objects in your yard, it might just be time to change the subject.